I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
