So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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