i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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