I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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