How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
