The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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