someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
