I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
