would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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