He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
