oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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