my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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