I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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