Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
