what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
