and next time when you feel me up, do it right
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
