Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
