thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't deserve a penis
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
