Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
