mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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