Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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