There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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