Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
