dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
