My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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