Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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