Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
