remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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