During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
