cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
