The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
