sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
