It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
