I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
