the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
