Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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