Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
