you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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