ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
