i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
