Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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