i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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