dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
