Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
