Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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