Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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