so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize