so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
