So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
