Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
