Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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