i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
