Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
the raccoons are back...
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