I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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