I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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